EntertainHR: It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It (. . .But It’s Also What You Say)

Can I see you in my office? 

Imagine your boss asks you that in a friendly tone. Can I see you in my office? 

Now try angry. Can I see you in my office? 

Disappointed. Can I see you in my office? 

Flirty. Can I see you in my office? 

For those of you who aren’t chronically online, the “one phrase, four ways” social media trend has users, in a single take, repeating one simple phrase in four different tones. The trend demonstrates how the same words can land in completely different ways depending on how they’re said.

Try this:

You look nice today. 

Friendly: You look nice today. 

Awkward: You look nice today. 

Suspicious: You look nice today. 

Creepy: You look nice today. 

The tone shapes the meaning of the message. So does the context. There’s a big difference between your favorite coworker asking if you want to grab a drink after work versus the coworker you’ve spoken to once but always catch staring at you. 

Words can also be misinterpreted, even when the tone and context are intended to be ordinary. Imagine your employee emails you – again – about the attendance policy. You respond for the fiftieth time with, “Per my last email. . .” No good morning. No exclamation point. Just a period and a signature line that reads “regards.” 

Maybe you were just being direct. But the employee could have interpreted your response as passive aggressive or cold.

Most of the time, these routine emails never leave your inbox. But if an employee later files an internal complaint, an Equal Employment Opportunity Commission charge, or a lawsuit, your email could suddenly become an exhibit. At that point, the tone and context disappear, and your words have to stand on their own.

“Per my last email” may have been nothing more than an efficient response. “You look nice today” could have been a perfectly normal compliment. But a fact finder reviewing those statements only sees the words on the page. There is no tone, context, or facial expression. 

One piece of advice many attorneys hear early in their careers is this: if you wouldn’t want a judge to read your email in open court, don’t send it. Even if opposing counsel is being a total jerk (they never are), respect, clarity, and professionalism land much better in writing.

The same principle applies to the workplace. HR professionals and managers are often responsible for communicating with employees about sensitive topics such as workplace discipline, complaints, and accommodations. Those conversations should always be clear, respectful, and professional. Don’t assume someone knows what you meant or intended. Write as though your words may someday have to stand on their own.

Before hitting send on an email, try the social media trend yourself. 

Read it in a friendly tone. 

Now angry. 

Now sarcastic. 

Now flirty. 

Does it land? If your email still comes across as clear, respectful, and professional, you’re probably in the clear. If not, take another pass before hitting send. Your recipient – and if you’re ever unlucky enough, the judge – will appreciate it.