In our February newsletter Kate Landells discussed the importance of the child's voice in decision-making post separation. One way in which a child has the opportunity to be involved is in Child Inclusive Mediation (CIM).
Child Inclusive Mediation can sound daunting – not least because many parents picture their child sat with them in mediation, which would likely be an uncomfortable proposition. In fact, CIM is an opportunity for a child to speak with a specially trained mediator separately, informally and confidentially. The child is not directly involved in the mediation but has an opportunity for their voice to be heard.
The key points about CIM are:
- It is voluntary – both parents must agree to their child being invited, and the child does not have to accept the invitation.
- For some children the fact of having been invited is enough for them to feel seen and to know their views are important, even if they choose not to speak with the mediator.
- Save for where there are issues of safety, the discussion with the mediator is confidential – the child is in control of what, if anything, is fed back to their parents.
- Parents cannot feed into the discussion – it is an open forum for the child to speak about what matters to them and not to answer any specific questions from parents.
- It is an opportunity for children to share their views, not to control the outcome and they are made aware that they are not responsible for decision-making.
- It is often a one-off conversation as it is an opportunity to hear how the child feels in that moment rather than an ongoing involvement.
When deciding whether to use CIM parents may wish to consider:
- How the child is invited – sometimes through the parents or when they are older it can be directly.
- Where the meeting should take place – whether in person or online, in school, at home or at the home of a trusted third party.
- How best to support their child in the process – e.g. agreeing that they would not seek to influence what their child says or ask them afterwards what they have said.
- How they would feel if their child says something that they are not expecting.
- The extent to which the CIM mediator will follow-up with the child as to any outcomes of mediation.
Using CIM in mediations with parents can result in parents not only better understanding their child's perspective, but also better understanding each other. When their parents separate it is not unusual for children to say different things to each parent – changing their narrative to suit who they are talking to as they want to please both. It is an entirely understandable reaction to a tricky circumstance but can result in increasing misunderstandings between parents. CIM allows the child to speak more freely and discuss with someone impartial how they feel and how to share it with their parents. It can be revelatory and help parents to move forward in way that works best for their child.
CIM can also give parents an insight into what matters most to their children at this particular moment which can help with prioritizing discussions and offering reassurance.
Using CIM may reduce the prospects of litigating disputed parenting decisions – a Judge in a recent Children Act case finished his judgment with this message to the parents:
'Courts are a terrible way of sorting out differences between them, however well-intentioned each party is. They will need to work things out between themselves. There will, over the years of parenting ahead of them, be occasions when each of them behaves less well than they should. That is a condition of humanity, especially stressed parents. They will have to control themselves, forgive each other, not stand on their injured pride or what they might perceive to be an infringement of their rights, and work in the best interests of [their child]'
There is a wealth of resources available to support separating parents – parenting coaches, CIM, parenting courses and books. Finding the right support for each family is crucial to enable them to co-parent effectively post separation.
The content of this article is intended to provide a general guide to the subject matter. Specialist advice should be sought about your specific circumstances.
