The Case For A Multidimension Life

Every day as an attorney at Cliffe Dekker Hofmeyr, one of South Africa’s Big Five law rms, we have multiple conversations, whether with clients or colleagues, friends or foes, about happy or not-so-happy subjects. In my 16 years with the rm, I have had many conversations with many people; some offering advice, some guidance, a fair amount of comments, some subtle and some not-so-subtle suggestions. One conversation that stays with me is one with my reporting director during the rst few weeks of my articles.

I will never forget the awkward anticipation as we drove in my director’s car to a client consultation, making light conversation, trying to get to know one another and pass the time during the drive. The director was an experienced director, highly regarded among her colleagues and the industry alike. She had been married for many years and had two adult children at the time. I recall that I was preparing to get married later that year, and we began discussing our families and legal careers. The conversation owed along pleasantly, and the director enquired whether I planned to have children one day, to which I con dently responded, “Yes, certainly”. In truth, I have not given the matter much thought before this moment, so my condent statement took even me a little by surprise. At that moment, however, I realised without a doubt that what I needed to make me happy and create a sustainable future was to have a great legal career AND to have my own family. 

We drove further for a few minutes, We drove further for a few minutes, Gretchen Barkhuizen-Barbosa 116 116 a pregnant silence lling the car, then the director looked at me and said: “You must just remember, Gretchen, you cannot be excellent at both things. You cannot be an excellent attorney and a good mother and wife; it simply cannot be done. One aspect of your life will always have to take a backseat to the other. Don’t even try to be good at both. You will have to make your choice and live your life accordingly.”

Green and impressionable as I was at the time, I remember hearing the words, but rejecting them at the same time. Why can we not as women in the corporate environment be both mothers and strive for excellence in our professions? 

WHO PLACES THESE LIMITATIONS?

That evening, driving home, it got me thinking about the origin of this theory. Who told us that we could not be more than one thing; be good or even excellent, at more than one thing at a time? Is it the older females in our societies, our mothers and grandmothers, who conveyed the ideals and beliefs of an older generation? Is it the image created by Hollywood movies, depicting the successful career woman going home to an empty apartment dressed in her black-and-white tailored suit ensemble? Is it the males in our profession who seek to protect the profession’s exclusivity by making us believe this preconceived notion? About 45 minutes later, when I turned into my driveway, I concluded that it is a combination of the above, and that we ourselves sometimes underestimate our capacity for excellence. We limit what we think we can do, so we don’t disappoint ourselves and those around us. What a pity that we are the main antagonists in our stories.

MAYBE IT JUST TAKES COURAGE

That being said, if we are the limiting factor, can we not, simply by changing our mindset and being braver in our approach to life, rectify the position? I think our lives will always have different stages or phases. During one phase, work may require more of you than your family. At other times, your family will demand more of you than your career. However, I think the trick is to understand that our lives need not be one-dimensional, with one single-minded focus or goal. It is possible, by prioritising, careful planning, open communication with the meaningful people in our lives and having grace for ourselves and them, to strive for ful lment and success in all important aspects of our lives. All we need to do is be courageous and brave enough to do what makes us happy, and to dare to have multidimensional lives.

In the wise words of Merida from the movie Brave: “There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us, you only have to be brave enough to see it”.

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